I'm really kicking myself over missing this...

SIGH

There's more. Your food has other gross stuff in it, too.

There can be mold, rodent hair and mammalian excreta (which is science talk for animal pee and poop!).




and Old Dogs are the Best Dogs, article and gallery.

skating: thursday i skated and was subjected to multiple equipment malfunctions and just total personal fail. i DID however manage to finally FINALLY turn around correctly once or twice. sunday we had another drills and spills class and i learned that 20 laps isn't that tough, my left leg is still a pussy, my left knee even more of a pussy, and that falling correctly doesn't hurt. still having a LOT of trouble with crossovers, but i guess i'll get there eventually. :-/ scrimmaged briefly, and didn't do very well, but neither did anyone else. tryouts in 3 weeks and i am NERVOUS.

thursday provided financial difficulties that are... sort of resolved on my bank's end, but without any explanation of why it occurred in the first place. the repercussions of the difficulties have not been resolved on my end, and since i can't talk to a fucking PERSON at usaa, i'm sort of at a loss.

friday was spent getting hired at best buy at $16/hr which is decent money for the job, but i'm still depressed that i'm going back. i feel like i've started all over again and just reversed the last 2 or 3 years. as much as i'm telling myself that i'm choosing to do this for a good reason, i'm still beating myself up about it. this royally sucks. on the bright side, i'm taking a 2 week vacation. my last day at aabb is 10/17, and i'm not starting at best buy until 11/3. not the most fiscally responsible thing i've ever done, but i can't help but look forward to it.

saturday was a fairly relaxing day spent goofing off in the morning and then going to SPX in the afternoon. train delays and my own laziness left me worried about missing it, but i made it with a little time to spare. i always feel bad at SPX because i go look for the people i know i want to see and don't really find much new. this year i stopped by and bought everything hey pais had (!!), talked to monica gallagher about roller derby and bought her latest books, bought more things from the girl that did true porn (which appears to be worth a LOT of money on amazon..., and discovered some neat things from the guy that draws Slow Wave. also found that i really like jeffrey brown, but think his books are a little pricey. so, overall, a success. spent more than i expected, but all to support local/independent artists. yay!

sunday i had my drills and spills class followed by a fight with josh, way too much grocery shopping, and an early bedtime. i spent most of the day just really out of sorts and anxious. i really feel like i'm falling apart at the seams, and i can only hope that getting out of this job and finally "settling" in baltimore will help put me back together. during the fight i just felt really helpless and stuck, i didn't have anywhere to go that would make me feel better, and no one nearby to talk to. at least in dc i had a few neighborhood bars or bookstores i felt comfortable in, but i don't know baltimore yet like i do dc so i had nowhere to retreat to. i'm hoping my 2 weeks off will be enough to really let me breathe so that i can start off at best buy without being on the verge of a breakdown.

holidays:
halloween is coming up, and my plans are up in the air. the usual spooky halloween party has been canceled, and i have no costume in mind, nor money to spend on one, but i am excited about being in a neighborhood and handing out candy. there is a friend's party, and the CCRG bruiser's ball. i'm leaning towards the ball, but it is after tryouts so i'm not sure how enthusiastic i'll be about it by the 31st.

thanksgiving will be spent at home since i will presumably be working retail. my aunt and uncle will be disappointed, but i'm excited about hosting an orphans' thanksgiving followed by the cruxshadows show at jaxx (so annoyed by the venue).

not sure what i'll do for xmas, but i suspect it will be spent at home unless i've found a new (non-retail) job. holidays in retail are too busy, and the pay is too crappy, for much travel. not thrilled about that, but not excited about going anywhere in particular either.


i'm really hoping that i can gain some enthusiasm for going back to retail. i really REALLY need to get out of the funk i've been in for what feels like the past 6 months. i'm proud that i'm trying to make changes in my life rather than just bitching all the time, but i just hope i'm taking the right steps.

OMG A COMIC!!!! i just read all of them.

i love hey pais!!!

i think that if i were a cat, i would be paisley. i will go and buy her comics at SPX and fund the crunchy star fund. now if only i had stripes...

I really want to see some answers to these questions from people! I can't name favorites so I'm curious to read other people's answers. DO IT!!!!


10 Favorites
*I read too much and love too many kinds of books to ever have favorites, I suck at these questions.*
1. Favorite Book? No clue... One I've enjoyed most recently? I really liked The Time Traveler's Wife, but that wouldn't even make my over all top 10.
2. Favorite Author? No clue.
3. Favorite Genre? Hmmm, I have really expanded my reading lately, but for pure comfort reading I would say probably scifi/fantasy.
4. Favorite series of books? Ever... not sure. Recently... I anxiously await the latest Harry Dresden book and the Kushiel series.
5. Favorite Illustrator? Maybe Quentin Blake? Dr Seuss? Chris VanAllsburg? (totally butchered that name - guy who wrote Jumanji)
6. Favorite book from when you were little? Misty of Chincoteague was a favorite. We read a lot of Dr Seuss, and a book called My Goodnight Book for bedtime stories.
7. Favorite Hero?
8. Favorite Villain?
9. Favorite couple?
10. Favorite Character?

5 Lasts
1. Last book you bought? Hmm, probably one of the recent graphic novel purchases - Coraline or Burma Chronicles maybe? Possibly something from the bargain bin at Union Station.
2. Last book you were given? I borrowed The Lies of Locke Lamora from Josh, don't remember being given a book recently.
3. Last book you pre-ordered? I don't really pre-order books. I guess the 7th Harry Potter? That may be the ONLY book I've pre-ordered.
4. Last book you loved? I really enjoyed Infidel.
5. Last book you hated? The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. HATE.

3 dos

1.Do you read part of your current book every day? Oh god yes.
2. Do you stick to one genre of books or do you jump around? I jump all over the place and try not to get stuck in a rut. This is a very new thing though, I used to really bury myself in one genre for literally years.
3. Do you review all the books you read on LJ? Sort of, I do goodreads.com and post the recent reviews on lanireads.livejournal.com.

1 If
1. If you were stuck on a desert island and could only take one book with you, which book would you choose? Some sort of survival guide for dummies book? But that isn't really what you want... Hmm, I think I would want Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet.

today i finally made it to a drills and spills class!

things i learned:
- i like hitting people. hard.
- i need to stop falling on my ass.
- shin splints hurt. (i knew this)
- barrettes under helmet = BAD IDEA
- i THINK i did my 20 laps in 5 minutes. (required for tryouts and DREADED by skatertots)
- i need to learn how to count to 20 while skating.
- i am bad at figuring out body positions and exercising, and i can't ever make my body do what it's supposed to. i always have terrible form while trying to do exercises because i can't figure out what's going where and how that's wrong. this is why i quit belly dance and why gym classes scare the crap out of me.
- i don't skate low enough.
- i am knock-kneed.
- i need to practice 'the stripper stretch' and 'dropping my ass'. (josh should be thrilled.)
- booty blocking is hard, but i have an unfair advantage.
- i am better at falls than i thought, but i still need lots of practice.
- my left leg is a pussy.
- dodgeball on skates is FUN! except after you just skated your butt off for 5 minutes.
- I CAN ACTUALLY T-STOP!!!!!!!!! (i even got a compliment from a coach!)
- i totally CANNOT do a turning toe stop. i totally cannot turn. no, really.
- yoga is not my thing.
- i might possibly MAYBE have a chance at making the team.

i felt so much better skating today. i hurt and i ache and i fell a lot - sometimes on purpose, usually not. learning to skate is hard, learning to be a roller girl is even harder. but i'm having so much fun!!!

trying the 'working from home' thing, and our new VPN is fabulous!

skating news: practiced stopping in the kitchen for about 30 minutes the other night. learned how to turn around!!! sort of learned how to do a T-stop. sort of. now we'll see if any of this translates to a rink.

did dinner with kat potter and jill last night and had some absolutely delicious tomato soup at levantes in dupont. seriously delicious. got home and passed out from just total exhaustion.

this weekend is still fairly unplanned, so i guess i will just play it by ear. hopefully i will get to go to the bout on saturday. it is not looking good. :-/

job hunt stuff is... weird. i've been getting some calls, but nothing awesome or exciting.

not finishing any books right now. trying to finish my human sexuality book (at least one REALLY interesting chapter so far), and interspersing it with girls of riyadh - for when i can't think hard or don't want to be holding up a huge and floppy book on the metro.

i'm just babbling at this point, but i'm trying to be a bit better about updating.

spent close to 2 hours sending out resumes last night. probably 30-50-ish jobs?

thus far i have had 2 responses...
1) you aren't qualified
2) you are over-qualified

SIGH

oh well, i am pleased to at least have gotten some human responses.

I suspect this will be rarely poked at, much like my account on Facebook (or, for that matter, Myspace). I am an LJ junkie and nothing more.

But let there be no fake-lanikei's on the internet!!

Lessee…
Skated for 2 hours on Sunday night and HURT for the first time. My left knee was killing me, and then my inner thighs and abs hurt yesterday and today. It has been a long time since I exercised to the point of pain. :-P

I have a new ringtone on my work phone. The whole site is pretty awesome though.

For the craftiest and greenest among you… some pretty awesome décor ideas.

Cover story from the City Paper, mostly noteworthy because I just finished Infidel by Aryaan Ali.

For the politicky of you Aaron Sorkin writes Obama/Bartlet encounter.

And in the things that make me INSANELY JEALOUS department… :Wumpskate:, the most exciting thing I can think of doing once a month… Particulary in light of the music I endure once or twice a week now at Skateland...

Possibly a busy weekend planned... dinner with Kat and Jill on Thursday, may help Dry Tear as it goes out of business on Friday while Josh is seeing Nightwish, Saturday morning is Spills and Drills (derby workshop), then hopefully a trip to DC to watch the CCRG's stomp DCRG. (Anyone interested in joining me? I promise to explain what's going on...) Hoping to crash in DC Saturday night (maybe a trip to Spellbound that evening?), and then Sunday is Crafty Bastards and Fiesta DC in Mt Pleasant. Followed by open skate in Baltimore if I'm not dead by then? BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!

despite my recent posting frenzies (both here and on lani-reads), i don't feel like i say much of value in my journal lately. that used to be a sign of a happy-lani, but anymore it just seems to be a sign of my lack of patience and willingness to sit still and THINK about anything anymore. so bear with me as i do my best to purge in the only way i know how...

work:
i'm trying to finish up at AABB and failing. i have a month left, but can't seem to get anything done. the possibility of contracting is left open, so we'll see where that goes. this becomes more of a pressing issue as they search for my replacement and i face the prospect of unemployment.
there has been workplace drama to a degree i have only been familiar with at best buy. people i like there have been dropping like flies, an entire department has been replaced with out-sourced contractors, and i spend a large chunk of my time creating accounts, learning how to create accounts, documenting the process of creating accounts, complaining about the short notice i get to create accounts, and creating a process for deleting accounts of all these departing users. huzzah.
dennis is slowly losing it, but is at least more available to me than he had been previously. misery loves company and we've been doing lunch almost once a week. amusingly, he has suggested that he will keep up the candy tradition at my desk.
i've been so unbearably exhausted recently. i blame the commute, but i think it's also just the physical manifestation of stress that work seems to slam into me. it would be nice to stay in a job for more than 2 years, but it's as if i am a ticking time bomb...

job search:
despite my glowing interview with an IT recruiter i haven't got a single job prospect. to be fair, i haven't been looking myself much. i have no 'but my resume isn't updated' excuse either. i seem to have resigned myself to BB again, and that disgusts me.

howden:
it's been just about a year since everything fell apart and imploded. i'm so mixed up about where we stand, and i can't figure out what i want. the first part of divorce papers are signed, and we have to wait at least 6 months for it to be finalized. probably longer since i think he has to go before the judge in CA. he left for iraq on monday, as far as i know anyway, and i haven't heard a word from him in weeks. this kills me, and both hurts my feelings and makes me angry. just thinking about him starts me crying, and i can't tell if it's because i'm angry or hurt or if i miss him. i guess it's all 3. he's lost so much of my respect lately - we had still been speaking and at least reasonably okay until he got a new girlfriend and told me not to come visit. it's been a downward spiral ever since... i know that i'm somehow hurt or jealous about the girl, but i'm also just hurt that he's behaved the way that he has. it's gotten to the point where i feel like a shreiking harpy of an ex only calling when i need money or something. but i don't think that's the case either. i was trying to give him space and instead he just decided he didn't want me at all. god, i can't even think about any of this without just dissolving into a mess. i can't think straight or bring together coherent thoughts beyond just an aching in my chest. i'm so worried about him, even more so now that he's left. and there's nothing i can do, no way i can get anything from him that he doesn't want to give. i tried to be nice just before he left and sent him some things, and i never even got a reply to confirm that he received them. and my headline-avoidance has now kicked into high gear. the last thing i need is word about the war without anything from him to make me feel better or to let me know he's okay. i can't help but feel like this is all my fault, and i worry about him and hope he's mentally alright and there's absolutely nothing i can do, no way to check up on him. i don't think i made the wrong decision - for either of us - but it seems like i'm going to regret it anyway.

mental health:
i've been slipping further and further into depression lately. i've been telling myself it's partly due to physical circumstances - i'm exhausted, just a total mess. i commute for 5 hours a day, of course i'm not happy. i don't really have friends in baltimore, or in dc, and even if i did i would have no time for them. as i've gained weight i've felt even worse, and i just have no confidence - i feel like i'm failing at everything. i don't feel pretty, i don't feel like i'm good at my job, i can't seem to accomplish anything, i'm perpetually down and drag josh down with me. school seems like a lost cause, and so does everything else. i just keep hoping it's because i'm tired, but i know that so much of it sits with me. i expect everything and everyone else to make me happy, i can't commit to anything long enough to succeed or move forward. i flirt with the idea of going to the doctor, but i can't bring myself to do it. i'm terrified of pills, and i can't stand the idea of psychotherapy. even the idea of trying to explain my predicament to my stupid military-assigned doctor is unbearable. not to mention the awkwardness of explaining to a military doctor the entirety of my situation - seems like a bit of a conflict there that will cause all kinds of trouble. i hate knowing that my attempt at being strong is really just weakness.

rollergirls:
i did finally get my skates, and have been skating about once a week. rollergirls are not known for their reliability or time management. i feel myself slowly getting more comfortable on skates, but went to a workshop on monday and proceeded to disappoint myself as only i can do. i came home sick to my stomach with failure and disgust. i was frustrated and angry and reminded of why i don't do anything competitive. my reaction to failure isn't to try again it's to give up and walk away and hate myself in the morning. so my hopes of making the league at these tryouts are pretty much out the window, but i'll keep skating anyway. if nothing else it's some exercise and i spent too much money on the equipment to just walk away.

i'm just hating everything in my life right now, and then hating myself for it. i want so badly to break free of my own fucking mind and actually enjoy all the good stuff that i can't seem to focus on. i feel so trapped and confined, and i know it's all in my head and that makes it that much worse. it's just such a vicious cycle. i try to tally up all the things that are going on in my life, making excuses, trying to feel better about being miserable and perpetually exhausted. and while i can recognize some of the physical manifestations of stress, and see how some of it isn't my fault, i'm still upset that i'm not strong enough to work through it. and i know that this is just how i AM and how i've been for years. that nothing i do seems to change it, and that i just can't seem to ever be satisfied or content. i'm not trying to be better, i'd be happy to just be settled.

... probably because I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing at work...

Links:
- Does Reading Online Count?
I vote no... have you ever READ any fanfic?!?!
- The Anti-Wedding, part of the Post's Wedding Week.

I just went to Modell's and spent $80+ on skating stuff. I bought FOUR different mouthguards in the hopes that one would work nicely for me, a mouthguard case, several pairs of socks in black, blue, and purple (!!) that will hopefully be more comfy for my feets, an ankle support sock thing, and a pink duffel bag that might make a good skate bag. I am having second thoughts about the bag though, so we'll see. Fortunately, of all things to have second thoughts about, it is probably the easiest to return.

This weekend went from totally empty to strangely busy... Tonight is hopefully skating/dinner with Stephen (my crush from middle school who now sports a fauxhawk!) and his GF. Then tomorrow is more skating/rollergirl training, followed by rat cage cleaning (weather permitting), and the CCRG playoffs with Josh. Sunday is Adams Morgan Day (also weather permitting), and hopefully grocery shopping, possibly open skate? Monday is work and a CCRG tryouts workshop that will hopefully result in me being able to stop. Ha!

I have been playing some CoH lately while Josh has been playing Warhammer, so I'd like to get some of that into this weekend as well. Since nobody is playing with me right now, I've been leveling my first character who is just now at 31! It's a little embarassing when you figure that she is my highest level character and I just got my 21 month veteran reward. Yikes.

How could I forget ADAMS MORGAN DAY!!!!

9/13 - Charm City Rollergirls Playoffs, Duburns Arena
9/14 - Adams Morgan Day!
9/17 - Indigo Girls, Rams Head Live
9/19 - The Pretenders, Sonar
9/20 - Jimmie's Chicken Shack, Recher Theatre
9/26 - Nightwish, Rams Head Live (I am not excited about this, Josh is.)
9/26 - Britney vs Madonna, Town
9/27 - National Book Festival, The Mall
9/27 - DC Roller Girls vs. CCRG, Dulles Sportsplex
9/28 - Crafty Bastards, Adams Morgan
9/28 - Fiesta DC (Latino Festival), Mount Pleasant
10/1 - Delerium, 930 Club
10/2 - NKOTB, Verizon Center
10/10 - Buckethead, Recher Theatre
10/17 - Last day at AABB!
10/18 - Shiny Toy Guns, Sonar
10/18 - GWAR, Sonar
WAIT! Does that mean GWAR and Shiny Toy Guns will be at the same venue on the same night!!??!? FUCK YES IT DOES!
10/25 - CCRG Finals, Duburns Arena
10/29 - Bouncing Souls, Black Cat
10/30 - Spooky, Town
10/31 - CCRG Bruisers Ball, Ottobar
11/5 - Sisters of Mercy, 930 Club
11/7 - Hellogoodbye, Sonar
11/8 - Kristen & the Noise, Recher Theatre

And of course the Ren Fair (which I still have not attended this year) is running through 10/19!

i am currently reading my 50th book since june first of this year... that's kind of absurd. and to be honest, i've probably missed one or two.

a book that inspired me to keep track of what i read...So Many Books, So Little Time: A year of passionate reading...

I'm at the point where coming into work makes me feel physically ill and jittery. I need to get out of here. My best work friend quit/was asked to leave yesterday in a totally underhanded and crappy way. It is always disappointing to realize your management will do shitty things to people.

Among other things my boss is slowly losing it and letting little things - details - slip. Not a huge issue, but TOTALLY unlike him.

They've finally mentioned the possibility of me working/contracting part-time/remotely. We'll see where this goes. Since I will be unemployed in a little over a month it's not a terrible idea…

My wonderful puppy dog Tasman has bone cancer. He has somewhere between a couple of months to a couple of years depending on how it's spread, whether amputation is an option, and how he responds to chemo. And that's assuming any of the treatments are available in fucking Burma.

Today is just not my day…

My boss took me out to lunch today (I think because he saw my face as I read my parents' email), and let it be known that at approximately noon on September 10th, 2008 I drank a cup of coffee! Starbucks had a pumpkin spice latte sample and it was pretty tasty. The real thing was much more bitter and coffee-tasting than the sample, but I drank about half of it.

I'm sure there's other stuff going on, but all I can think about is my puppy dog. Even best case scenario I probably won't get to say goodbye...

Do you ever do something and think to yourself "This is a bad idea, X is going to happen if I do Y..." and then do Y anyway? I do. And now my purse and its contents are covered in mac and cheese. It is just one of those days…

Links:
DC tries cash as motivator in school, enrollment leaps 500%. (Haha) Have these people never taken a psych class?!?!?!
Related: First day of DC schools a success, particularly when compared to previous years.

How do conservative countries handle scantily clad Olympic athletes? Not a very informative article, but an interesting concept.

Hello Kitty Online!!!!! Trailer here.

Crossword/Sudoku Plague… As one of these hated puzzlers, I object!

Comics that made me giggle:
I = the last panel.
And, strangely enough, I enjoyed nearly all of the subsequent QC comics. I have been rather bored with QC recently, and it's suddenly perked up!

Stick person furry!!! Don't actually think the comic is that great, but the stick person rendition of a furry is priceless.


Work has been imploding as of late, and I have spent all day super stressed, frustrated, and angry. Even the part of me that is somewhat tempted to stay - under the right conditions - is SO ANGRY at the way a friend/coworker is being treated that it makes me want to scream. Such complete bullshit. In light of this situation, and a few other things - an immature and obnoxious meeting I had today with an immature and obnoxious department being one of them , I am reminded of why I am REALLY leaving.

I know, I know, vacation is rarely relaxing… but this was a bit much.

Despite various issues including car trouble, friend drama, sick tummies, feeling poor, stupid people, and exhaustion, I had a good time. I went to only two or three panels this year, partly because I felt sick Friday and Sunday, and partly because I had pre-Con burnout. I was already tired of dealing with people by the time I got to the con…

Highlights:
- Getting Adam West's autograph and Boba Fett's (for my boss), although I think $50 was retardedly steep for Adam West, it was the one thing I REALLY wanted from the con.
- Cruxshadows and MSI concerts, live music really gets me going like nothing else
- Various costumes that made me happy
- Spending time with Josh
- Seeing my aunt and uncle on Monday on the way home. So relaxing...

I have been pretty miserable over the last few weeks. And I was really stressing about DragonCon and whether I would enjoy myself. I was trying very hard to manage expectations, and I don't know if all my worrying is what sort of killed my fun. Or maybe it was just a lot of buzzkill situations that frustrated me before I could even get to the 'having a good time' part.

Bad things of note:
- Getting a google reminder for my wedding anniversary
- Douchebaggery on the part of people I call friends
- Tools playing pit police during MSI, and people who don't understand what a goddamned concert is
- All too frequent mild panic attacks in crowds and busy public spaces
- Tuesday

I ended up having to take an extra day off of work leaving me with ZERO time off from AABB.

Despite my current bad attitude, and lack of sleep, life isn't so bad. Josh makes me happy, my fuzzies seem to be doing better, I won't work here much longer, and it's almost another weekend...

At interview, cross legs left over right.

At following happy hour, cross legs right over left.

Goddamn wrap dresses...

first things first - would anyone like to do dinner this evening in the DC area? i could go a bit further out (metro accessible, of course) i will be killing time in dc while waiting for ron & co to make their way back from b'more.

dragoncon starts tomorrow (my trip does anyway), and i have an interview this afternoon.

my hair is freshly trimmed and red, and i am wearing queen size pantyhose because i am fat. i have lost 5 lbs in the past week bc the idea of food repulses me.

the rat lice seem to be... less evident.

i am wearing a potentially indecent dress to a job interview this afternoon with a horrible manicure. and fat lady pantyhose.

i got an email from hopkins in my 'job hunt' email. it said i didn't get a job. *sigh*

i am totally exhausted and haven't showered or eaten a functional meal in a couple days. am i going to make it through the con?

---

We regret to inform you that Lani Robinson will be leaving AABB to pursue other opportunities. Lani's last day in the office will be Friday, October 17th.

Please join HR in wishing Lani all the best in her future endeavors.

---

Within literally seconds one of our division directors came running (barefoot) to my desk, our CEO came running over, and 2 other people came by. HR updated me with
"2 gasps so far
1 ooooooooooooooooooooh
And a God love her"

As frustrating as it is, and as exhausting as the commute is, my job CAN make me smile….

Similarly, a few days ago I emailed our CEO a book suggestion - we'd talked about Jodi Picoult before. As always I feel a little awkward and don't want to bug her, but her response was adorable and closed with "When I grow up, I want to be Jodi, how about you?" And today we had a good 10 or 15 minute discussion about books. We aren't a huge company, but we are big enough for people to feel like they can namedrop our CEOs name when they're trying to get me to do things. It makes me so happy that she is the last person who would care.